


Reflection

by DemonsMuse



Series: Adventures in Blackouts and Friendship [4]
Category: The Blackout Club (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, IN-HER-TEETH mention, Madiline Peters (OC) mention, death mention, mental illness mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22690087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonsMuse/pseuds/DemonsMuse
Summary: Arabella's last talk with Thee-I-Dare left her with unsettling news: If she did not pick a side, she would die. The two voices she was conflicted between could never be compatable, leaving her even more confused and hurt than she was before. Even so, she still prayed to Speak-As-One, hoping they could offer her some guidance in the situation. They came to her, first about her confrontation with In-Her-Teeth, but soon the conversation digressed into what she truly wanted to know...
Series: Adventures in Blackouts and Friendship [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632184
Kudos: 1





	Reflection

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, this one's another Enhanced Horror narrative, again with quotes from the actual encounter! Kyle isn't my kid, he's Kylef890's, and really, this child needs less angst in her life. Happy reading!!

I don’t know why I even went out. My head was crawling with everything that I  _ really _ didn’t need to think about,  _ especially _ not then, but I went out anyway so Kyle wouldn't be by himself. The club hates sending people out on solo missions, so they were glad to have me. He seemed to enjoy the company too, so… It was… nice to get some fresh air. 

As soon as I felt the night air of Hoadly, I figured I had made a mistake. The world was dull, as if someone put a filter over it. I could still tell what things were but it just felt so… cardboard. Fake. Lackluster and yet.... Beautiful in a way. The stars, the trees, even just the reflections off the street; all of it was boring, and yet part of me saw some nuance in it. Something different. Something kinda magical about the light reflecting off of everything. It reminded me how pretty the world is. How much I’d miss it… I shook my head. Thinking about all that wouldn’t help with a mission. I ran up the cliffside as fast as I could to try to get the energy out. 

I crept carefully in and out of houses, searching for evidence and crawling over the floorboards to dampen the noise. My focus skittered everywhere, trying to latch on to something, even just a Sleeper sneezing, but even the silence was too crowded. I had to close my eyes just to get rid of some stimuli. It was warmer in the houses, but I still felt the night’s chill through the jacket I borrowed. Thick as it was, it was still so… cold. Uncaring.  _ "Like him."  _

I shook myself out of it when I heard Kyle over the radio and half-heartedly responded to him so he wouldn’t worry. Silence was never a good sign, not with us. I swear I felt him nearby way more than usual, like he was keeping an eye on me, but I couldn’t be sure. I hadn’t been able to really exist properly for about a week. I think even Maddie noticed. Kyle and I joked around a little as I crashed on a couch. I didn’t have the energy to move; not much at least. My limbs weighed themselves down with every step I took, even though I looked fine. I think I did at least. I ran a hand through my hair, making sure combing it wasn’t a hallucination. I actually had to rub my hand on my shirt to get the oil off. 

A sleeper’s footsteps broke me out of the trance, right next to me, just out of my reach.  _ "Come on, Ara, pay attention." _ I held my breath until they passed. Pretty soon after, I felt my phone buzz and almost leapt out of my seat. Just the Club. I skimmed the message and geared up to hop outside and make sure Kyle was doing okay. Gods know we both get into the same amount of trouble and incredibly quickly. I put my hands on the frame, getting ready to push it up, but my reflection caught my attention. Dark circles, oily hair, pale. I looked like hell and felt worse. I wasn’t fooling anyone. I shook my head. If there was no time for it earlier, there was no time for it now. I barely noticed the hyper-vigilance settling over the town.

**THE DEATH FETISHIST APPROACHED?**

Their presence fell on my shoulders like a thick jelly, settling into the empty space in my mind. It felt… soothing to finally feel their presence again after  _ that _ mess. I felt tears trying to come, I couldn’t tell why. I had to blink a few times to fully understand. I was so spaced out that if Speak-As-One hadn’t prompted me, I would have forgotten about IHT entirely. I shook out of it and searched through my memory. The flicker of anger warmed me up a bit, at least. Unfortunately, Kyle managed to radio me right as they appeared, so I was even more scattered than usual. I had to respond to him otherwise he’d know, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to. Not yet.

“Yes she did. And, uh,” I opened the window, catching the sleeper in my peripheral vision again.  _ "Remain vigilant Ara. Don't get yourself hurt again. Don't make them OR Kyle worry about you more than either already does."  _

" _ Aaagh _ . She frustrated me a lot…" My thoughts continued the explanation, ranting and raving about how she laughed at me, chided me, and tried to recruit me. The words, however, never came out. I didn't even notice. The silence permeated the air as they waited, but I never filled it with anything. Once I noticed I started kicking myself, knowing I should have reported more, but my heart just wasn't in it. I couldn't focus. 

**SHE BELIEVES YOU RESPOND TO POWER.**

I scoffed and mumbled the words to myself, trudging through the sludge that was my train of thought. I was lucky the train was still running. Instinctively, I walked across the street, barely registering the Sleepers slowly crowding around me. I hopped in a window as I sighed. I honestly had no idea what they meant. They must have noticed. 

**YOU LONG FOR PEACE. SHE IS DELUDED.**

_ "Again with the words I don't know."  _ I mentally groaned as I struggled through context clues.  _ "Deluded… delusion..? Delusional? Maybe."  _ I pulled the jacket closer around me and zipped the front as I mulled it over, perhaps a little too much. I closed my eyes to read it over again.  _ "Only They can bring peace." _ A small flicker of faith sparked to life in me, but it barely made a difference. I just fell back into a bitter resignation as I walked through another backyard and into Chiara’s house. 

"Yes. Yes she is." I didn't need her sass. Not after everything I'd been through. Regret and frustration crept over my shoulder as I instinctively recorded a toilet and rummaged through Chiara’s closet for flashbangs. I should never have sent those prayers. I should never have let her in. I should never have let myself get false hope. 

_ “Hope? Hope of what? Hope of no one ever suffering again? Hope you could escape what you called home? Hope you could actually change something?”  _ I took a deep breath and sighed it out. 

"I probably shouldn’t have talked to her but… agh, she just… She gets a rise out of me and I don’t like it." All that thinking only made me feel worse. My stomach gurgled in protest, forcing me to sit still. I was getting defensive again, hiding things to protect myself, hoping they wouldn’t disown me on the spot for what I did. 

As soon as I recovered I crept down the stairs, trying to focus on the blood on my boots rather than the fact I caused a major information leak. The Maze welcomed me with open arms and a trail much too fresh for my liking. I glanced down at my radio, wondering if Kyle knew what was happening from how silent I’d become. I hadn’t been keeping up, and by now he knew it was my tell. More judgemental thoughts came swarming, speaking with his voice, but I managed to shake them off.  _ “This is why I talk to them when I’m alone.”  _ I felt myself moving in my usual pattern; ledge, glass, spool. My body knew what it needed to do. I was so engrossed by my thoughts and theirs I barely noticed the pain in my ankle when I landed wrong.

**MUSE IS TRUSTED TO AVOID PRIDE.**

I winced a little, knowing something they didn’t. Part of me wanted to tell them I instigated, that it  _ was  _ my pride and my anger that dragged me into her scope. I tiptoed around actually saying anything, but their voice (my voice?) kept nagging at me.  _ “Their peace is no accountability.”  _ One of the things that stuck in my head the hardest. The other’s idea of peace was never taking responsibility for their actions. Just like I was doing by hiding my doubts. I forced out the tension with a sigh. I couldn’t let them know. I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me. I’d have to tell them eventually, just… not now.

“I’m doing my best.” Not as much of a lie, but a lie nonetheless. It hurt, but it was a reflex. Being around my Adversary follower friends didn’t do much for my sense of restraint and I knew it. However, with them watching, my sense of caution settled back to its normal levels. Peeking around a box, I waited for a Sleeper to walk past before dashing into Instrument Supply, still keeping the trail in my periphery. Another quick look around told me I was safe, so I went to grab some more supplies at the railing. Their silence… made me uncomfortable. I cleared my throat.

“Yeah that’s… that’s all I got on that…” My voice betrayed my unease. I knew they meant it as a complement, as a note of just how much they trusted me, but it couldn’t register correctly. I didn’t deserve that trust.  _ I still don’t.  _ I almost dented the foam can in my frustration. “I’m trying.” They cut me off. 

**SHE SEES OUR RESPONSE TO THREATS.**

**WE DO NOT LET THEM INTIMIDATE US.**

My ever-present jealousy of their composure returned immediately. I  _ wish  _ I had that much composure. In a way I absorbed it when I first joined, when I mainly stuck with my own kind, per say. It got worse after, well, Hikari happened. My heart still hurt thinking about it but I pushed it aside. No. Time. I blinked away the burn of the lights and sighed again. 

“Right.” I took a deep breath, glancing into Nerve only to jump to the side as a camera slid by. “I just… need to keep a calmer head. That’s it.” I glared at the camera before heading towards String. “She can’t do anything to us. … Right?” I pulled myself up the grapple and climbed in, grateful to not see another camera with the cold stone. Evidence hunting was a lot easier to do when talking to a God than a mission. I was nervous. I remembered everything that one Teeth follower had said, that we would be taken as her double agents, and that she could do that without us even knowing. I had to swallow to keep from being sick. She was a threat. A beehive I poked way too much. Waiting for the response felt like an eternity. 

**WE SHALL PROTECT MUSE. ALWAYS.**

I felt a smile for the first time in a while. My eyes watered and I actually felt warm. It hurt knowing what I’d done and knowing they still protected me.  _ “Even now…”  _ I wiped the tears from my eyes, hopefully before they noticed. “She... appreciates it far more than you know.” I slipped into it, but only for a moment. I didn’t even have to think that hard; it just… happened. The silence settled, resolving in peace. I wish I could have just stayed there in that moment. 

But my mind traveled to something darker, yet darker. I still stared the abyss in the face. Taking a deep breath, I made my move. 

“Um… with that… can I ask another question? Well,  _ can _ I ask a question? Going back to one of the rituals I sent?” My voice cracked and wavered a lot more than I wanted it to. I felt a chill run through me, tensing up into a headache and back again.  _ “I’ve been getting a lot more headaches lately…”  _ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. That was  _ not  _ a thought I wanted to entertain. Despite my efforts, it kept coming over and over and over again.  _ “Is that a sign? Am I--”  _ Luckilly, the thought was interrupted. 

**WE LISTEN.**

“Um…” I took a deep breath to reset. “I… heard one of my friends say that… if someone was… incredibly conflicted that… a-and they came of age, that they could… die from it.” My heart pounded, practically bursting from my chest. “Is that true, or is that just another lie?” 

The silence was painful. I had to move. I ran from String into Nerve, fears hot on my tail. The blaring alarm of the camera rang in my ears, calling every sleeper to my location. My breath quickened. I sprinted down the Arches. A sleeper caught me, gripping my shoulders tight enough to bruise. I squeaked and shoved them away, kicking their shin before running past.  _ “Get away get away get away”  _ I had to get somewhere. Anywhere. Safer. I ran towards Film Archives, my newest hiding place. Dark, quiet, occupied. Somewhere you could sit and let your feet dangle, and if you wanted to, hide inside a shelf. I didn’t make it there before they responded. 

**YES. INCIDENTS OF PSYCHOSIS. THEN…**

**THE HOST DOES NOT CARE FOR FLESH.**

**DISEASE. DECAY. DEATH.**

It hit me like a ton of bricks. All the air rushed out of me, forcing a cough to fall into foam walls. I stumbled into Film, barely keeping my balance. The thud of my boots echoed through the room, my hand firmly on a wall at all times. My body moved for me, but I couldn’t register what it was doing. 

“...Oh god…” I paced along the metal bridges, hoping the rhythmic tapping could keep me out of a full blown panic attack. “Oh boy…” My mind flurried anyway, shuffling through every image of my own death I could imagine. Strapped to a hospital bed, skin scabbed and eyes red from tears. Clutching my head and screaming in the depths of the Maze, unable to be heard or seen. Sitting in a corner, jumping at everything, skin peeling off from all the scratching. I felt dizzy, sick, terrified. 

**MUSE.**

“...Yes..?” My voice trembled as if it were a string freshly played. I was snapped out of the initial wave, but I felt the sick rising in my stomach. 

**THIS WORRY IS NOT ARBITRARY.**

My heart stopped. How much did they know? What hadn’t I hidden? Was this where they’d leave me? Disown me? Call the Angel to end me before my own mind would? What would the others think? Would they tell? Would it be reported? 

Was this the moment I lost everything? 

**SHE ASKS. SHE FEARS IT. YES?**

“...y-yes.” The floodgates opened. I collapsed on the landing, unable to hold myself up anymore. My muscles refused. My voice came out in gasps, I could barely breathe. Terror swooped down upon me, taking me in its talons, prepared to feed me to whatever dark abyss it came from. I forced my eyes shut and covered my ears. I could still hear. I heard too much. I saw too much, I felt too much. As soon as it came, however, it started to calm. Something washed over me, taking over for me. I didn’t have to breathe. I didn’t have to think about it. It was automatic again. 

“Yes.” I said it again, my head bowed. I stayed still for a few more moments, only tensing when I heard a sleeper’s crunching walk toward me. “No no nono don’t come this way, not now…” I mumbled to myself, fully aware that could make my nightmares come true. I watched as their robes brushed my arm, but they didn’t notice. They didn’t care. The sleeper walked back the way they came, letting me calm fully once again. I glanced around a little more before cautiously opening the door to New Growth and climbing the scaffolding with precision I didn’t know I had. 

**THE VOICE HAS HIGH HOPES FOR HER.**

**WE… CAN DELAY, BUT NOT LONG.**

**OTHER WATCHERS WILL REPORT.**

**WE SHALL BE FORCED TO CONFIRM.**

_ “But how long..?”  _ I closed my eyes and took a moment to breathe. They were helping me. My Watcher was helping me. Guiding me. Taking my hand to make sure I was safe for as long as they could. I almost felt another bittersweet smile. They cared  _ enough _ . 

“That-That makes sense, that’s fair…” I nodded, taking a few more breaths. It was gone. It was clear. It was calm, for now. 

**CONSIDER WITH GREAT CARE, MUSE.**

“I… She… hopes to figure this out as quickly as possible.” The tears came back, forcing a sniffle and more shakes, but now it was manageable. It was processable. I had to think about it, but I could fall into line, into place… Whatever  _ that _ was. 

**WE WILL BE WATCHING.**

I nodded, taking careful steps toward the Well before leaping down, barely catching myself before I broke a leg. My mind still fluttered, but I was prepared to continue the mission, to continue the hunt. I crept onto the floorboards just in time to hear Kyle yell over the radio. 

“Kyle, are you okay?” 

“Uh, yeah, Shape’s just a lot smarter than he usually is.” I winced. I knew why, and I knew he did too. He’d been on this end of their wrath before. He knew it well. 

“Careful…” I started making my way upstairs, just in case he needed it. I felt them there, but they said nothing. No typical ending.  _ “Do you qualify for it anymore?”  _ The thought pierced through me, leading to a whole new batch of paranoia. 

“… She’ll figure this out. … Thank you.” After that, I kept quiet, not even mumbling under my breath in thought and determination. Were they observing me? What were they looking for? Were they just protecting me? I tried to think positive, but as always, negativity won. Gloom draped over my shoulders as I rose, looking around constantly for anyone too close. Another buzz of the radio.

“Oh, now he always knows where I am--” 

“Uh oh.” My eyes went wide. What were they doing?! Kyle was on their hit list, but why? What did he do this time? I bit my lip and shook my head running through Crypto a little faster. Worry spread like wildfire and turned to recklessness as I sprinted up through Instrument Supply into the nearest house I could find. Whatever they did managed to turn my brain off long enough to think logically. As soon as I reached the surface I did my best to find Kyle. 

“We can get out if you need to.” I felt a small rumble in the back of my head, like something noting my actions. Of course they were noting my actions. I looked around, finally seeing Kyle running down the street of East Hoadly, Angel hot on his heels. We both agreed to get out of there as quickly as we could. Kyle ran past me, vaulting onto roofs while I lingered behind with flashbangs in hand. 

The corner of my mind prickled though. I glanced back at the Angel, then to Kyle.  _ “They’re doing this for a reason.”  _ I looked down at the weapon in my hand.  _ “Should I convince him to stay? They need something he has…”  _ I took a cautious step in Kyle’s direction when the last thought poked into my head. 

**REMAIN VIGILANT. WE SPEAK AS ONE.**

We needed to go. I ran after Kyle with the power of the Deck, sprinting past people and throwing a flash behind me for good measure. The sewer pipes were waiting for us as we climbed in and replaced the grate, barely out of the Angel’s reach. We were safe. He was safe. My head was cooler. Somehow, everything was fine. At least until I started thinking about it again. It took getting back to the boxcar for me to realize it.

I forgot to say it back. 

  
  
  



End file.
